The Sweater Testo

Girls, I know you will understand this and feel the intrinsic incredible emotion You have just pulled over your head the worn, warm sweater belonging to a boy Now, you haven't had a passionate kissing session or anything, but you got to go on a camping trip with him and eight other people from school And you practically slept together, your sleeping bag right next to his And you woke in the night to watch him as he slept but you couldn't see anything 'cause it was dark so you just laid there and listened to his breathing and wondered if your heart might burst The sweater has that faintly goat-like smell which all teenage boys possess, and that smell will lovingly transfer to all your other clothes If you get to keep it for a few days you can sleep with it but don't let your mom see, 'cause she'll say, "what is that filthy thing, and who does it belong to besides the trash man?" So you have to keep it under the covers with you You can kind of lie it beside you, or wrap it around your waist, or touch it on your legs, or whatever That's your business Now if the sweater has, like, reindeer on it or is a funny color like yellow... I'm sorry, you can't get away with a sweater like that Look for brown, or grey, or blue Anything other than that, and you know you're dealing with someone who's different And different is NOT what you're looking for You're looking for those Alpine ski-chiseled features and that sort of blank look which passes for deep thought or at least the notion that someone's home You're looking for the boy of your dreams who is the same boy in the dreams of all your friends Monday, wear the sweater to school Be calm, look cute Don't tell him about the dream you had about the place the two of you would share when you get older Just be yourself The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself Definitely wear lip gloss He looks at you, and then he looks away And then he walks away and the smell of the sweater hits you again suddenly like ape-scent gloriola and you get a note passed to you by a girl in History that says "He needs that sweater back. He forgot you put it on in the tent on Saturday and he's been looking for it." And you don't have to die of humiliation, you know You are a strong person and this is a learning experience You can still hold your head up high as you run from the classroom tearing the stinking sweater from your body You've got a secret now, honey, and though you'd never sink as low as him, you could blab it all over the school if you wanted The label in that sweater said "100% Acrylic"