Testi Soundtracks :: D

LAWRENCE

I understand you are completely

numb from the waist down, is that

correct?



FREDDY

Yes, sir.



LAWRENCE

No feeling whatsoever?



FREDDY

Mmhmm. That's right.



LAWRENCE

I see. So...



This little pggy says-



FREDDY

-Nothing



LAWRENCE

And this little piggy, the same?



FREDDY

Uh-huh.



LAWRENCE

I suppose that it's futile

To wiggle or doodle

Or jiggle this piggle

Well, ain't that a shame.



And this one?



FREDDY

Like wood.



LAWRENCE

And this one.



(Freddy shakes his head.)



Zer gut.



So, that's the entire contingent

We'll have to try something a little

more stringent.



(He pulls a pussy willow branch

from a vase and whips it through

the air.)



CHRISTINE

Stringent?



LAWRENCE

Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor.



When I was youg and I was cute

And I was in the Institute,

They banged it in us like a drum,

The Corpus Hippocraticum.



So just before you graduate

You raise your hand

And stand up straight

And everybody has to wuoth

That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath.



You swear to God to heal the sick

But do no damage-that's the trick,

Even if you have to lop a leg

Or God forbig, an arm.



If it's the best, go crack a cheat

Or slice 'em open like a wurst

But first-

Do no harm.



(He wacks Freddy on the legs

with the pussy willow)



Yodekayeeoo



Nothing?



FREDDY

Nope.



LAWRENCE

Hm.



A medical professional,

Before he starts a session'll

Be sure to pause and clear his head

And think on what Old Hippo siad-



A real mnsch with lots of heart

Bestowed on us this noble art

And let me tell you, that ain't eas-y

In three-hundred and eighty B.C.



Defend the weak and mend the ill,

Prescribe a pill then send a bill-

For many years the system has

Been working like a charm

But you must recollect

With great respect

Hippocrates and what he versed-

First-



Do no-



(WHACK!)



FREDDY

YOW-DELAYEEOO



LAWRENCE

That's lovely my boy.



CHRISTINE

But Doctor, this seems so cruel.



LAWRENCE

On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant

Benson would be the happiest man

on earth if he could feel any pain-

Yah?



FREDDY

You bet!



LAWRENCE

Let's all yodel!



(They do.)



I said yodel!



(WHACK!)



The Corpus Hippocraticum

Like bats out of the attic-come

Like popes out of the Vati-come



CHRISTINE

Like nylon sheets with static come



LAWRENCE

Like jockeys from the paddock come



CHRISTINE

Or fishsticks from the haddock come



LAWRENCE

Or you psychosomatc come to me



(He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy

breathes a sig of relief.)



FREDDY

Well, I guess that's that



(Lawrence runs back in brandishing

the pussy willow and gives him the

biggest WHACK yet.)



LAWRENCE

I look at him, the sorry face

I know I have to take this case-

It's who I am, it's what I do-

If you were me, you'd haev to too.



If I were him or I were you

I'd look at me and like the view

For here I am and here we go

Hippocrates would wish it so.



This man intrigues me, I will take

Sergeant Benson on as my patient.



CHRISTINE

Doctor, look! He's so happy he's

crying! Do you really think you can

have him walking again?



LAWRENCE

Walking? I'll have him running,

jumping, shouting, shrieking. Or my

name isn't...



(Punctually each word with a whack

on Fredy's legs:)



Dr.

(Whack)

Emil

(Whack)

Shuffhausen

(And just for good measure:)

The third!(WHACK!)